The U.S. Open this past weekend was certainly a sight to see. This year’s Open was played at Shinnecock Hills in Southampton, New York, and the course spent four days kicking the best golfers in the world’s asses. The course was so tough, not a single golfer finished the weekend under par, with eventual champion Brooks Koepka finishing Sunday evening at a tidy +1 for the weekend. This was quite the change of pace from The Masters in April, where winner Patrick Reed finished -15 at Augusta National.
Shockingly, the golfers weren’t too happy with this development. In fact, it seemed to break a few of their brains altogether. We saw Bryson DeChambeau refer to the course as clown golf. We had an anonymous golfer (honestly probably also DeChambeau) texting ESPN reporters screenshots of cognitive dissonance studies he learned in Psych 101 while referring to the USGA. Tiger Woods triple bogeyed his first hole on Thursday, Rickie Fowler shot 14 OVER on Friday, and some poor guy finished his weekend twenty-seven strokes over par after two miserable rounds. Seriously, the course was stupid hard.
However, none of these gentlemen brought disgrace to the beautiful game of golf like Phil Mickelson did on Saturday afternoon. I’m having a hard time typing this, I’m still shaking so hard with rage. I’m just going to include the video here, and let you all see Mickelson’s monstrous act for yourself. Warning: the following video is extremely NSFW, watch at your own risk.
Disgusting. Repulsive. Sickening. Foul. THE BALL WAS STILL ROLLING, PHIL! HOW COULD YOU? I’m sorry you all had to see that. It’s kept me awake the last few nights, and I don’t see that horrible image leaving my mind any time soon.
While tossing and turning and cursing Mickelson’s name, I’ve been thinking to myself, “What can we do to punish this terrible man for what he has done to my beloved game?” My first thought was the death penalty, but that seems like giving this coward the easy way out. Here are a few others I’ve been workshopping.
Phil Mickelson can now only hit the ball if it’s still rolling.
This is like when your parents catch you smoking a cigarette in high school and make you smoke a whole pack as punishment. You want to break the rules? Fine. For now on, you may only hit the ball if it is still rolling, or else you receive a one-stroke penalty. Might want to hit some cardio, Lefty, ’cause you’re going to be running.
Phil Mickelson has to chug a beer after every hole.
If you’re going to act like an amateur on the course, then you have to have the mental capacity of an amateur on the course. That’s right – after every putt he sinks, Mickelson now has to chug a can of Keystone Light. For every hole that he chooses not to, he will receive a two-stroke penalty at the end of his round.
Phil Mickelson has to tee off like Happy Gilmore at least twice every round.
After all, I haven’t seen a move this unprofessional since Gilmore and Bob Barker were throwing it down on the fairway of the 1996 Pepsi Pro-Am. Also, this guy gets to follow Mickelson around.
Hey Phil, “YOU SUCK, YA JACKASS!”
These were just a few of my ideas to help get the ball rolling (no pun intended) of making sure something like we saw on Saturday never happens again. Let me know if you have any other ideas on how we can punish Phil Mickelson!